....but not forgotten

It's difficult times in life that you wonder who really cares, who really understands, who is going to be there in this time of need because they truly just want to be a comfort to me. My heavenly Father does. Difficult times or trials we could call them are just a nasty distraction from Satan.  Ultimately as a christian you have to evaluate is this from God or from Satan. Has God been using me in any significant way?....Well yes He has and that is what Satan wants to pull me away from with these distractions. God has been using me in many ways to encourage others, to be a true friend to the people He has given me, to be the wife and mother I need to be for my family. Some of this may seem small but to the Lord I think they are quite important and that is why Satan was at such a work to get me off course. Well to God be the glory I will not waste another day! I will in His power bring glory to His name. I wasted yesterday but not today the time is short and there is much to do. There are many people who may not be clinging to the Lord and they need to see Jesus at work in my life so they have hope in their Saviour. My goodness to think I could continue on and be dishonour to my Lord what a shame. Thank you Jesus for speaking so clear during our quiet time! I thank you that you never leave me or forsake me. I thank you Jesus that you weren't concerned about your own self when you endured the cross for me. Lord help me to continue on help me to keep my eyes on you. Lord please give me the strength to be the wife and mother you would have me to be. Lord I praise you with all my heart for your goodness.

Fill my cup Lord

I lift it up Lord  

Come and quench this thirsting of my soul

Bread of heaven feed me till I want no more

Fill me up Fill me up and make me WHOLE

Broken

I continue to watch my life unravel...I have never felt more uncertain about my life or the life of the people I love that surround me. The last year by far has been one of my hardest battles in my life. I keep trying to let this roll off me and come to the conclusion that it will all be ok and I tell myself it's ok it's going to be fine when deep down I feel more hurt than I ever have before. I can't sleep at night and when I do the nights are so restless and it's not because the baby is waking me. It's the stress of life that is keeping me from rest. I thought I had seen the worst of my battle in life last year with the death of two very important love ones but I guess I was wrong. It's like the worst part is starting all over again and I am reliving that sorrow all over again but it is intensified times 100. I didn't think it could hurt so much but I guess I was wrong. It's not getting better grieving hasn't slowed down. If anything it's more at the surface now than ever. I can't fix this, I don't know how to continue on with a chin up everyday. I am beginning to think I really don't want to. Some days I feel nothing goes right and it's all I can do to just accomplish the basic tasks of life while all the while being deeply emotionally disconnected from it all. Its like I check out on the emotional side of it all and somewhat even try to slough off logic to make it seem like things are really ok. I feel like I am on the verge of a a breaking point in my life now more than ever. I think irrational thoughts that would have never entered my mind before. I am seeing myself slip away from what I know I should be, not because I want to but I think it's a way of coping with what is going on. I don't know how to face issues head on and have even become upset over little thing when I shouldn't. I can't fix this. God I really can't fix this and I don't know how to even ask for you to begin to work but I know I have an intercessor  and Jesus I need your help now more than ever because I feel hopeless. Please hear my cry.

Sweetest moments

There are so many amazing moments during Christmas time. The soft lights glistening off the tree, the gentle sound of Christmas music, the light snowfall, and this year one of my sweetest moments has been having all these and then feeling this precious baby boy growing and moving around inside me. Today he has been so sweet...literally! No hard rough kicks just a few soft movements arms or legs moving gently and he's even been turning today. The bigger he gets the more movements I can feel and tell what he is up to! It's just precious! I had Justice before Christmas so this is a first and with Faith I found out I was pregnant with her December 8th 2005. So experiencing being pregnant during Christmas has been amazing! It's been different I put my tree up the day after Thanksgiving just to make sure it was all taken care of for the girls. This has given us even more time to enjoy the lights and decoration. Oh and of course don't forget all the extra baking I have been doing to get my family into the spirit! My husband is loving it! Goodies all the time and the house smelling of fresh cookies or pumpkin cookies. I am already planning on some brownie making next week. There is no real pressing reason for making them just another fun thing to do with the kids! Oh and making hot cocoa and watching the girls gobble it down. Justice rubs her tummy and says yummy! Too darling!

This Christmas is going to be different. We won't have the normal things that we are used to doing. We won't be traveling to Upton, my mom will be gone in Nebraska welcoming my new nephew! This will be the first Christmas without my Dad being here. I must say tho I have been praising the Lord for the 16 years I had with him. He had a major heart attack shortly after my mom and him met and I am so grateful the Lord shared him with us for so much longer! Of course I would love to have him longer but I really am so thankful that he is in heaven with the Lord! I wonder if they celebrate on Christmas...haha everyday he gets to be with the Saviour! Awh to be honest I can't think of a better blessing this year than knowing he is in heaven! I miss you Dad but I would rather you be well and at complete peace in heaven!

This year we will be spending Christmas in the Lord's house :) I am planning on making something yummy the night before that I can heat up. Getting it all ready and then having the girls come out and eat. Then open presents and off to church! Oh to praise the Lord on the day He came for us! Then I imagine we will head over to Scott's parents for some food and if there is football of course we will probably be watching! Then the evening service at the church with all our church family! We have all had a very hectic year with the loss of loved ones and our pastor. It will be a blessing to share in the candlelight service this year! God has done so much for all of us! But most I praise God for sweet baby Jesus. I cannot thank Him enough for coming and the way He came shows so much humility. What an amazing God!

A Harvest Moon Moment

For those that I haven't had the blessing with me sharing the story about my Dad Richard and the harvest moon. I will share it here with you. My Mom, Richard, and I were on our way back from Newcastle one night and on our way I spotted the moon and I had never seen the moon like that before it was huge and so bright red and orange. I was in awe of it. Shortly after it disappeared I was bummed out that I could look at it longer. After awhile I told my parents that I had never seen the moon like that. My dad said really!? I said Yeh I haven't that is the neatest moon I ever saw. He turned the truck around and drove back at least for 10 or more minutes to find the moon for me again. Then we just sat in the truck and took it all in. He told me it was called a harvest moon and I am sure he shared some other things he knew about it and why it was that color because he always knew so much! Just sitting there and looking at the amazing moon I thought to myself this man would give me the world if he could! This is one of those moments with him I will never ever forget and one that I am so grateful for!

This is the first harvest moon they ever saw!

They were in awe as you can tell. My girls have always loved to look at the moon!

This was before my Dad passed away.

I can't wait until they are older and I can tell them the story about Papa Richard and the harvest moon! They know their Papa is amazing but the memories I get to share; with the blessing of having him as my dad; will only get sweeter as I get to share them as they get older! Memories are my sweetest treasure now! By the way Dad I will tell them about you all the time trust me we talk about you everyday! You will only get more precious with time! I love you!

Thinking of you

So I am up again tonight unable to sleep must be the baby keeping me from my sleep. I remember going through phases when I was pregnant with the girls when it was difficult to sleep. Tonight I decided maybe it was time to just get up and write. When you lay there and try to sleep and all you manage to do is think; I suppose I must have something to say!

I keep laying there reliving the times with you knowing they will be no more. They are memories now that I can cherish. It makes me so sad to think I won't have more memories to make with you. That I won't be able to see you tomorrow when I come over to have dinner with Mom and Mindy and your precious grand baby girls. That I will be longing to see your face when I walk through the door and see your chair. I think some days I am in denial that I really don't get to see you again until heaven. I call Mom everyday multiple times a day to check on her. I promised you I would. I won't fail you on that promise! I haven't went home for awhile because all I really want to do is curl up on your chair and cry remembering the days when I was young enough to crawl up in you lap for a snuggle. To hear you say how ya doing squirt? To sit there for a good long while and play with you stub of a finger. I held your hands so many times in the hospital. I held that hand specifically to still play with you stub. Funny how I always found comfort because of the memories I had of sitting with you in the chair. Oh gosh I miss you so much. It's hard Dad it's really hard to have you gone! It was too quick! I feel a piece of me left with you. I don't know if I will ever be the same. I don't know if I can be the same. I can't hear you say it's gonna be ok. I can't see your face and have you  reassure me this time, the way you did when I came over to visit just you. I am glad I can remember that day so clear. I am so glad we had that day too! The girls talk about you everyday. Justice will say Papa gone and Faith will tell her yes but he is in heaven with Jesus, he is happy. I wish Jesus would come. Faith is more curious about heaven knowing you and Pastor Bode are up there together. We are being careful with her because the reason she wants to go there is to see you! She isn't thinking about Jesus she just misses her Papa!  Just so you know I  am not sad all the time in fact since last Sunday I have been doing well until tonight! It comes in waves the emotions loneliness, despair, heartache, and just pure sadness! When times are good they seem real good almost difficult because it still doesn't seem normal or real to be genuinely happy. When times are tough boy are they hard lots of tears and feeling like you could explode from the inside out because the emotions are so huge! I don't know if this will ever pass. I do know one thing I won't ever stop missing you and it's really hard to think about not getting to have our talks. The talks were I know only you will understand! Maybe when I feel like that I will write it in a letter and send it away in a balloon. Sounds probably crazy but there are some things only you understand about me and some things only you were able to talk me through and sometimes all I needed was your ears :) ps I never felt tuned out by you even tho I know you told Mom you had to sometimes. I think you really always listened in case there was something you needed to be watching out for me for. You did an awesome job as a father I always knew deep down you cared and loved me deeply. I was thinking about making the peanut butter syrup toast with the girls sometime soon and sharing it with the girls so they could taste how amazing it is! Oh another thing sorry the last shake I got you from Remy's was gross! Yuck worst one I probably ever got you. Bummer!!! Well I am rambling but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't and I am sure that is one thing you might even miss too. I really hope you get to hear this or see me talking to you still.  I love you and I will be in touch! Hugs Dad oh another thing Tell Pastor I love him too! xoxo

I miss you

 I will miss you being there to cuddle Justice and listening so closely to Faith's stories.

I will miss them getting to have their Papa around!

I will simply miss your love Dad. Your love!

I love you soo soo much!

Reflections

Life.....has it's twist and turns, it's ups and downs, it's bumps and ditches. You name it you have experienced all of them. Some people experience them more extreme than others. When it all comes down to it we all go through life's many experiences. These experiences can be very tough. The ones that you have to drag yourself through. I can honestly reflect on these last few months and say I have been dragging myself through life. I do not want to face these tough life experiences. I have no idea why this season has to be a part of my life. I will be honest I don't want to face them. In fact most days I act as though nothing out of the ordinary is going on in my life. Until that point where I get silent and still then I have to face life's trials.

To write this blog post I pray it helps me. It's not easy to take the time to sit here and reflect on my life. Sure my marriage is going great like usual, my kids are healthy, the finances are ok. All the basic stuff is fine. It's all the other things that play a factor in my life that are difficult. Dealing with the loss of my amazing Pastor, my Dad's cancer, and my sister in law who I love very much dealing with unsolved health issues again. I care so much for my family and it's so difficult to see and experience so much pain and suffering.

I have just started facing the truth that my Pastor will not be coming back to me. That he really is gone and not just in Wisconsin still battling his illness. He has been gone for over a month and I haven't really gotten to take much time to think about it. This man has been amazing in my life. Like a father to me. He always took the time to help me when I didn't know how to handle life and now he is not here. I can't go sit on his porch and talk about the things that are going on with me or him. I can't hear his laughter one more time.  I can't see the wink in his eye. I can't tell him I love him and hear it back. I can't pour out my concerns to him and I cannot get his counsel. He is not here! I miss him soo much. It's such a void that he isn't here! Does this pain ever go away.

I cannot bare the thought of loosing my Dad Richard too. I never let it enter my mind. I try to keep it far from me. I still pray for him but probably not as much as I should because then I would have to think about it. The results from the doctor today were not what I wanted. No progress with four weeks of chemo and the cancer still looks the same. Mom said she didn't ask if it had spread because she honestly would rather not know. I think for her it makes it easier. I don't know how much longer I can talk about him. It gets to hard to think about it all.

My faith is weak when it should be strong. I should be triumphant over all of this. Some things it's just not so easy to be ok with. There is too much right now in life and I cannot bare it all. Some things have been put on hold. I wish I could say it was things that didn't matter but it's not. I have taken a break from homeschooling Faith. We will continue again hopefully soon when the day seems right for it. I just don't have the drive for it right now. Some days I am just happy to be functioning.

Sorry this isn't a better post but I needed this one for myself.

~With Jesus~

It's been 12 hours since I heard the news of my pastor going home to be with his Lord. What a bitter but ohh soo sweet feeling. Of course I am sad knowing I will not see him here again, but oh my he is with JESUS!!!

I can only TRY to imagine what an amazing amazing time he is having! Oh to feel the welcoming arms of our Saviour! To hear His tender voice say those words "Well done tho good and faithful servant".  To bow in humble adoration at Jesus' feet and praise Him for His sacrifice! To see His feet and remember the cross He endured for us. To feel love like never ever before! To be completely humbled by His almighty presence! To have an overwhelming peace that floods over your spirit. Awe bowing in awe of Who God really is!!! I haven't even scratched the surface. To witness with your eyes the glorious heaven made by almighty God Himself! It in my mind: the love of God alone will be so amazing we won't even see the glorious details of heaven until we have observed that love fully!

As I write all these images of what I think of God the Father and Jesus I can't help but feel the love of Christ overwhelm me. To think one day I will experience heaven's glory! I will see my Saviour face to face! I will walk and talk with Him! How amazing to think of the Saviours love! Not only did He die for us all He made heaven to spend eternity with us. To share His presence with us! Oh how sweet the Saviour is....my dear friend if you cannot say you know this love of the Saviour; if you have never experience a relationship with Jesus. I plead with you to know this love! To know that heaven is your resting place! The time is now to settle your doubts, your fears, or your indecisiveness.

The bible clearly states the way to get to heaven. "John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." Jesus is the way to heaven! We have nothing within ourselves to get to heaven to be with Jesus. "Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." No man is without sin and therefore cannot be good enough for the glory of God. Good news though "Romans 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."  God gives us hope in this verse He says I sent the Saviour for you to be forgiven of all your sins. "Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." If you trust and believe in your heart that the Lord Jesus Christ died for your sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day to conquer death and all sin. Call upon Jesus, acknowledge you are a sinner and  repent of your sin, and ask Jesus to save you. He will save you! All you have to do is believe and ask. Read the above verse again Romans 10:13. Have you ever called out to the Lord and asked to be saved? Today is the day of salvation for you dear friend! Jesus will save you!