Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Broken
I continue to watch my life unravel...I have never felt more uncertain about my life or the life of the people I love that surround me. The last year by far has been one of my hardest battles in my life. I keep trying to let this roll off me and come to the conclusion that it will all be ok and I tell myself it's ok it's going to be fine when deep down I feel more hurt than I ever have before. I can't sleep at night and when I do the nights are so restless and it's not because the baby is waking me. It's the stress of life that is keeping me from rest. I thought I had seen the worst of my battle in life last year with the death of two very important love ones but I guess I was wrong. It's like the worst part is starting all over again and I am reliving that sorrow all over again but it is intensified times 100. I didn't think it could hurt so much but I guess I was wrong. It's not getting better grieving hasn't slowed down. If anything it's more at the surface now than ever. I can't fix this, I don't know how to continue on with a chin up everyday. I am beginning to think I really don't want to. Some days I feel nothing goes right and it's all I can do to just accomplish the basic tasks of life while all the while being deeply emotionally disconnected from it all. Its like I check out on the emotional side of it all and somewhat even try to slough off logic to make it seem like things are really ok. I feel like I am on the verge of a a breaking point in my life now more than ever. I think irrational thoughts that would have never entered my mind before. I am seeing myself slip away from what I know I should be, not because I want to but I think it's a way of coping with what is going on. I don't know how to face issues head on and have even become upset over little thing when I shouldn't. I can't fix this. God I really can't fix this and I don't know how to even ask for you to begin to work but I know I have an intercessor and Jesus I need your help now more than ever because I feel hopeless. Please hear my cry.
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Oh Chels...I love you! You have had a hard year with your dad and Pastor Bode dying and now trying to deal with your mom moving. Not to mention the stress you and Scott took on with the church and having little Zane. It's no wonder you are overwhelmed and to your breaking point. Believe me when I say, I've been there. I've been to the place you are now but in my own stupidity thought about taking my own life instead of turning to Jesus and my loved ones. You don't have to bear this alone and there are many people you can turn to. You may want to consider that you are going through a bit of post-partum depression also. It's relatively common after having a baby and it may be compounding what you already feel. Talk to your doctor. But know this, I am here for you to yell at, cry to, and just listen. Sometimes all it takes is for one person to listen and let you know that its ok how you feel and to offer support. Keep crying out to Jesus. He hears your cries and He is working. Sometimes He feels so far away when you are in that dark place but He's right there with you. And honestly, when you are feeling so sad and miserable, count your blessings. Seriously count them. It always makes me see things in a different light. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYour mom in law is right Chels. Its hard being mom, wife and trying to do it all in the midst of a heartache. You are a strong girl and you can do this with Jesus. Ive had dark times too and felt isolated, especially after having Ava, and it was so nice to reach out and have someone to talk to. Its what you need- support. Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that i have put your heart and life in such turmoil.. please know that i am so concerned with all that i have put you through.. I know how hard this year has been on you and my heart breaks knowing that i have caused you to ache even more.. please know that i dont want to hurt you.. i also know that being away from Bill is so hard for me.. i know you are happy for me and my new found partner.. my wish is to not have to be alone every day any longer than i have to.. i know im not alone when it comes to you.... but as you know its different when you have someone to share your everyday thoughts and dreams with... i know you think im being selfish.. and at some level im sure i probably am... im just so tired of being alone day in and day out.. this is just as painful for me as it is for you.. im not just walking away from all the people in my life that mean the world to me.. I know you think that i am going to move away and you will never see me again... Chelsie.. I am your mother.. surely you know that would never happen.. as much as i want all of this.. you must know that my children and grandchildre are still my whole world and always will be.. I would love to tell you that it will be ok.. and i do think it will be.. but i am worried about you... you are letting this consume you and your life... i understand your pain i really do.. i am scared that its going to change you and you will never be that happy funloving child that i know and love so very much... yes i am responsible for all of this.. i know that.. and it kills me to know that i have caused you so much pain.. i am so sorry for the way i talked to you on the phone..my frustrations got out of hand.. this is not easy for me either... i know you feel like i have been distant with you and your family.. i suppose i have at some level.. you know how a new relationship takes time away from other things or people.. but that doesnt mean that those other things or people are not important to me.. I just want for you to be happy again... i know you say you are happy for me and i belive you.. but i also know that the pain that you are going through makes it hard for you to believe it yourself.. Chelsie i love you more than you will ever know... the last thing a parent ever wants to do is hurt their child.. i dont know how to fix this either and still make everyone happy... i too worry about the girls.. but i dont know how to fix that either... i am flying out to arizona again today.. i should be happy but all i can feel is true concern for you... please know that i Love you with all that i have... please dont be distant with me.. i love you and i need you too... love mom.... my first response was so much better than this one... but i lost it when i tried to post it.. sorry!!
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