Reflections

Life.....has it's twist and turns, it's ups and downs, it's bumps and ditches. You name it you have experienced all of them. Some people experience them more extreme than others. When it all comes down to it we all go through life's many experiences. These experiences can be very tough. The ones that you have to drag yourself through. I can honestly reflect on these last few months and say I have been dragging myself through life. I do not want to face these tough life experiences. I have no idea why this season has to be a part of my life. I will be honest I don't want to face them. In fact most days I act as though nothing out of the ordinary is going on in my life. Until that point where I get silent and still then I have to face life's trials.

To write this blog post I pray it helps me. It's not easy to take the time to sit here and reflect on my life. Sure my marriage is going great like usual, my kids are healthy, the finances are ok. All the basic stuff is fine. It's all the other things that play a factor in my life that are difficult. Dealing with the loss of my amazing Pastor, my Dad's cancer, and my sister in law who I love very much dealing with unsolved health issues again. I care so much for my family and it's so difficult to see and experience so much pain and suffering.

I have just started facing the truth that my Pastor will not be coming back to me. That he really is gone and not just in Wisconsin still battling his illness. He has been gone for over a month and I haven't really gotten to take much time to think about it. This man has been amazing in my life. Like a father to me. He always took the time to help me when I didn't know how to handle life and now he is not here. I can't go sit on his porch and talk about the things that are going on with me or him. I can't hear his laughter one more time.  I can't see the wink in his eye. I can't tell him I love him and hear it back. I can't pour out my concerns to him and I cannot get his counsel. He is not here! I miss him soo much. It's such a void that he isn't here! Does this pain ever go away.

I cannot bare the thought of loosing my Dad Richard too. I never let it enter my mind. I try to keep it far from me. I still pray for him but probably not as much as I should because then I would have to think about it. The results from the doctor today were not what I wanted. No progress with four weeks of chemo and the cancer still looks the same. Mom said she didn't ask if it had spread because she honestly would rather not know. I think for her it makes it easier. I don't know how much longer I can talk about him. It gets to hard to think about it all.

My faith is weak when it should be strong. I should be triumphant over all of this. Some things it's just not so easy to be ok with. There is too much right now in life and I cannot bare it all. Some things have been put on hold. I wish I could say it was things that didn't matter but it's not. I have taken a break from homeschooling Faith. We will continue again hopefully soon when the day seems right for it. I just don't have the drive for it right now. Some days I am just happy to be functioning.

Sorry this isn't a better post but I needed this one for myself.