Thinking of you

So I am up again tonight unable to sleep must be the baby keeping me from my sleep. I remember going through phases when I was pregnant with the girls when it was difficult to sleep. Tonight I decided maybe it was time to just get up and write. When you lay there and try to sleep and all you manage to do is think; I suppose I must have something to say!

I keep laying there reliving the times with you knowing they will be no more. They are memories now that I can cherish. It makes me so sad to think I won't have more memories to make with you. That I won't be able to see you tomorrow when I come over to have dinner with Mom and Mindy and your precious grand baby girls. That I will be longing to see your face when I walk through the door and see your chair. I think some days I am in denial that I really don't get to see you again until heaven. I call Mom everyday multiple times a day to check on her. I promised you I would. I won't fail you on that promise! I haven't went home for awhile because all I really want to do is curl up on your chair and cry remembering the days when I was young enough to crawl up in you lap for a snuggle. To hear you say how ya doing squirt? To sit there for a good long while and play with you stub of a finger. I held your hands so many times in the hospital. I held that hand specifically to still play with you stub. Funny how I always found comfort because of the memories I had of sitting with you in the chair. Oh gosh I miss you so much. It's hard Dad it's really hard to have you gone! It was too quick! I feel a piece of me left with you. I don't know if I will ever be the same. I don't know if I can be the same. I can't hear you say it's gonna be ok. I can't see your face and have you  reassure me this time, the way you did when I came over to visit just you. I am glad I can remember that day so clear. I am so glad we had that day too! The girls talk about you everyday. Justice will say Papa gone and Faith will tell her yes but he is in heaven with Jesus, he is happy. I wish Jesus would come. Faith is more curious about heaven knowing you and Pastor Bode are up there together. We are being careful with her because the reason she wants to go there is to see you! She isn't thinking about Jesus she just misses her Papa!  Just so you know I  am not sad all the time in fact since last Sunday I have been doing well until tonight! It comes in waves the emotions loneliness, despair, heartache, and just pure sadness! When times are good they seem real good almost difficult because it still doesn't seem normal or real to be genuinely happy. When times are tough boy are they hard lots of tears and feeling like you could explode from the inside out because the emotions are so huge! I don't know if this will ever pass. I do know one thing I won't ever stop missing you and it's really hard to think about not getting to have our talks. The talks were I know only you will understand! Maybe when I feel like that I will write it in a letter and send it away in a balloon. Sounds probably crazy but there are some things only you understand about me and some things only you were able to talk me through and sometimes all I needed was your ears :) ps I never felt tuned out by you even tho I know you told Mom you had to sometimes. I think you really always listened in case there was something you needed to be watching out for me for. You did an awesome job as a father I always knew deep down you cared and loved me deeply. I was thinking about making the peanut butter syrup toast with the girls sometime soon and sharing it with the girls so they could taste how amazing it is! Oh another thing sorry the last shake I got you from Remy's was gross! Yuck worst one I probably ever got you. Bummer!!! Well I am rambling but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't and I am sure that is one thing you might even miss too. I really hope you get to hear this or see me talking to you still.  I love you and I will be in touch! Hugs Dad oh another thing Tell Pastor I love him too! xoxo